This Isn't What I Wanted
by Simply Emotional
Summary: Shizuo is forced into being a Victim's Counselor in order to pay back the money he owes in damages to the city. Who knew that Izaya would be a victim in need of counseling?
1. Prologue

Hello everyone, I have been a huge fan of Shizaya for a while now, and decided to write my own fanfic for it! I'm a some-what experianced author with the Hurt/Comfort genre as well as Horror, so I should do okay at this.

This is a super short Prolouge, mostly because I wanted to see if my writing style for Shizuo was even worth writing a fic in. I wanted to see what responses I would get for my idea, and see if I wanted to even continue it...

Anyways, please enjoy. ^^

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><p><span>Prologue<span>

I never would have seen myself working for anyone other than Tom, but when I was forced into this job, I was unable to decline. Damn city. A couple government men came to 'discuss' with me a 'proposition'. If I work as a shitty victim's counselor for the FBI a month, I will have repaid the debt I owe for destroying most of the city. As if my day couldn't get any worse…

This time Izaya had really done it. I fully blamed him for getting me in the damn position. It was his fault after all, wasn't it? It was his fault for pissing me off till I chased his poor ass across Ikebukuro. Hey wait…was I even qualified for this job! Tsking, I shook my head. I honestly believed that I would kill that damn flea the next time I laid eyes on him. He was the cause of this; he was the cause of everything terrible in this city.

I had to tell myself to calm down, tell myself that my attitude would just send me into a fit and I would have to work even longer to pay it all back. I hated violence…I hated it with a fiery burning passion deep in my soul. Heh, soul…I wonder if that flea even has a soul…? Doubt it… A snap in front of me affected my thoughts, and I blinked as I tilted my head, staring at Tom. "Hey, Shizuo, you okay?" I nodded slowly, "Uh…yeah…I'm fine." "I'll give you that month off then, though it'll be different without having you around."

I sighed, it wasn't like I wanted to do this in the first place. Me? A counselor? Just the thought made me laugh. I couldn't even control my own anger, how the hell was I supposed to help others with theirs? Plus I bet most of them were fucked up in the head, that would make the most sense anyway. That thought forced my mind back to Izaya, yeah, he was fairly messed up.

Taking a step down the street, I lit my cigarette, feeling it slowly calm my nerves. I waved a short goodbye to Tom, and headed off on my way. I started tomorrow…and I could already feel my anger rising. At least I wouldn't have to see the flea. Just the thought made a small smile graze my lips. Heading home had never felt so wonderful, knowing that I wouldn't have to see that stupid grin for a month or so. Who knows, maybe if I tried really hard, they might just let me stay there? The thought of never seeing the flea again made me even more cheery, my anger subsiding into a cool calm.

Yes, this was going to be good for me, no anger, no flea, just simplicity. Too bad for me though, that the unexpected was about to happen.

And this happiness that I felt at that moment, was about to disappear.

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><p>There you go, sorry it's so short, once again, I was just wondering if anyone would want me to continue this? ^^<p> 


	2. Chapter 1

Well then, my lovely humans, I have written an uber short first chapter. I still don't know if I'll continue this, but your guy's reviews made me want to make another chappy. I promise that if I do continue this, they will be exceedingly longer, but remember that this is a sort of test to see if I can even write a Shizaya fic. ^^

Anywyas, on with the story! ^^

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><p><span>Chapter 1<span>

I woke up early the next morning, not wanting to be late for my first day. I could already tell that today was going to be even better than I could ever imagine as the sun shown brightly through the windows of my apartment. Yes, today should be a good day. Getting dressed in my usual outfit that Kasuka had given me, I got ready for the day, heading out into the world. The one problem was the directions they had given me.

They were mix-matched, all jumbled together, and I stalked off down the street, growling. HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS PLACE! Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to calm down, not wanting to create any more damage to this bustling city. Seriously though…where was this place?

After about five minutes of searching, which wasn't all that long, I decided to take a couple random turn in the area, seeing if I could find it. What surprised me most out of everything was that it didn't look like a government building at all. It was a rather tall building, much like a therapists building, but of darker grays. I blinked, stretching. "Well…at least I'm here…" I headed through the door, glancing around as I stepped inside.

A woman sat behind the main counter, typing away on the computer, her long brown hair falling slightly in her face. "Excuse me, miss. Where do I-" She cut me off, "Shizuo-san, was it? Your office is down the hall, the last one to the right." I blinked, but didn't question her as I headed back to my new 'office'. She hadn't even looked up on me, which made me curious if she did that to everyone, or if she truly did have some strange sixth-sense. I've seen stranger…

My office was a rich dark brown color, with some gray thrown in. In my opinion, it couldn't have been blander. On the large desk sat a nameplate, specially designed for me. Great, they even made me official. I couldn't help but here my own sarcasm in my thoughts. To distract myself, I quickly sat down on my swivel chair, glancing around at the artwork in the room. I actually found them rather…disturbing. I could only assume they were of different crimes, but really…? Do victims really need to look at these creepy pictures every time they come in for counseling?

A man with dark black hair and glasses slowly walked in, a smile painted perfectly on his face. "Heiwajima-san, nice of you to show up on time." I smirked, "Well, I do like to make a good impression." His smile faded into a smirk, "Yes, well…you'll be seeing three people today, just to start you off. I'm sure you'll do fine seeing as you've probably had many incidents yourself in your line of work." I gritted my teeth. Was this man trying to piss me off? "I'll do fine." He just nodded, setting down a stack of papers. "These are their files, please do read them."

I scanned over the names, sighing contently, but stopping on a certain name. I felt like I had to read it over, again and again, until it finally became real. Was this some kind of sick joke! Blinking, I glanced up as the door slowly opened. I couldn't contain my anger, not even for a moment.

"Hello there, Shizu-chan."

Orihara, Izaya…

That damn flea!

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><p>I apologize for it's shortness, but I'm fairly busy, and I'm pretty sure this is the only times I can get a small chapter in before the really hectic weekend I'm going to have. Gah, my back hurts, I've been sleeping on the couch for the past two nights while my room gets re-painted. *Dies* Well, I hope you enjoyed.<p>

Please review so I know weather to continue this or not. :3 Arigato.


	3. Chapter 2

Well, sorry for the long wait! I wrote this yesterday at school, and stayed home today because I felt horrid this morning. It feels like High School likes to throw me into a cage titled: FOR YOUR SAFTEY, DON'T ENTER. So, yeah...feeling sick, but decided to update since I hadn't updated in a while. Hope you enjoy this chapter, I worked hard on it, and it's a bit longer than any of the other ones!~ Enjoy! ^^

Ps: My brother bought me a poster with Izaya on one side, and Shizuo on the other. It was an, "I'm going to collage, so I'll buy you something to remember me by," gift! ^^

Anyways, on with the story! ^^

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><p><span>Chapter 2<span>

"You look surprised, Shizu-chan." Izaya spoke slowly, grating on my nerves. "Why the hell are you here, Flea?" "Why else would I be here? I'm in unfortunate need of counseling." My mind trailed back to my earlier thought of this being a joke, and it just had to be! Some sick joke of Shinra's or Tom's…or maybe this was the government getting back at me for the damages to the city! The whole counseling thing could have been a farce! "Shizu-chan?" Izaya whined, waving that blasted feminine hand in front of my face. "Okay, Flea…" I growled, "I'm going to play nice here, because I don't want any more charges against me, but one wrong move, and I'll wring your tiny little neck, got it?"

Izaya nodded slowly, and I leaned back in my swivel chair, watching him intensely. "Well…?" I murmured, and his crimson eyes gazed up at mine. "Well, what?" He asked, his voice more monotone than usual. "Why do you need counseling?" I stated plainly, but I immediately regretted it. His face paled immensely, reminding me of the times he would show up at Shinra's after getting the shit beat out of him. Though it always confused me that I couldn't manage to lay so much as a finger on him, but these other people could? He would just laugh it off, yelling something around the lines of; "It's just a scratch, those humans weren't even at my level!"

Izaya's eyes shifted to my face, but he didn't smile, didn't laugh it off like he usually did. "No reason, I was just told to come here by Namie." Lies, so easy to see in his eyes. What happened to that damned mask the flea usually wore? "Well, we'll sit here until I get the real reason." I thought he would break, though he would tell me but, no. The whole hour and a half passed in silence. I was surprised that I could last this long with the flea sitting in front of me, but he let it pass without any movement, simply closing his eyes and napping.

He got up to leave, giving me the usual sinister smirk he usually wore. "Thanks, Shizu-chan." It was sick, sarcastic, sending a bottomless feeling straight into my stomach. "What the hell is he here for…?" I growled, rubbing at my tired eyes. It was going to be a severely long day. After another three hours of working with problem plagued (Crazy) people, I laid back in my chair, finished with my first day in hell. I glanced over at the resting files on my desk, forgotten by the one man that was supposed to read them, me.

Blinking away my tiredness, I moved the files around, reading the names. Oh, yeah…I forgot I had his file. Slowly flipping it open, my heart sank.

**Name: Orihara Izaya**

**Age: 23**

**Sex: Male**

**Condition: ****Physically: 70% **

** Mentally: 43%**

**Victim of: 1st Degree Parental Abuse, Molestation, Attempted Suicide, Aided Suicide (Parental), Parental Drug Abuse, Assault…**

As the list continued, my eyes widened slowly.

Damn Flea, what the hell happened to you!

The next day, I waited anxiously for Izaya to appear. Pacing back and forth across the blandly colored carpet. When did all of this happen to the flea? For how long did it go on? Is he still in pain? Damn that asshole for making me of all people worry about him! I should be happy that, that damn idiot gets what he deserves. He screws with other's lives, his life should be screwed with as well. "Stupid, Flea…" "You know, it's mean to talk about someone. Especially when they aren't there…" 'Idiot!' I thought, 'You're an informant! You talk about people behind their backs all the time!'

"Izaya…" I mumbled, "Very good, Shizu-chan. You learned how to say something other than Flea. I'm surprised your protozoan brain can process so many words." The brat is making it hard to be sympathetic. "Damn it, Izaya! Sit down!" To my surprise, Izaya did so with no hesitation, making me think that someone from the past had told him to do so in the same way that I just did, just for a more violent reason. "Look…um…I saw your…err…"

Izaya's eyes went wide in fake disgust, "You saw me while I was changing! You're more of a pervert than I thought!" My eyebrow twitched, and I grabbed his neck, holding him up against the wall. His head hit the dull colored rock solid paint, and he winced, staring at me with pain filled eyes. There was a small trembling in his body, and I willed myself to let go, willed myself to calm my nerves. As I moved my hands, I felt it. The skin around the base of his neck was sunken in slightly, my hands matching the places perfectly. I blinked, my eyes tracing the lines around where my hands were. Normally, the flea's jacket would hide this, so…

Releasing his neck, I watched him slide down the wall, inhaling sharply. "Damn it flea, don't piss me off!" Who else though…who else had done that to him? His voice was small and timid as he spoke slowly. "You looked at my file, huh? I knew they would give it to you…you think I'm pathetic huh? You think I'm vulnerable! Well, I'd hate to break it to you, Shizu-chan, but nothing can faze me." A broken chuckle tore from his lips, sounding like it was painful for his lungs to produce such a wretched noise. I felt bad for his body, after all, it had to help Izaya.

'Or destroy him…' I thought, my mind trailing back to the vanilla colored file. "Of course, it's only natural that you would retaliate in a time of desperation." Izaya scoffed, "I'm not desperate!" He yelled as he got himself together, standing up slowly. "I won't offer you any information about this…" I smiled as I sat back down in my chair. "You don't have to, but the longer you draw this out, the more of a child you become in my eyes."

"Shizu-chan is the child."

"Oh?" I blinked. What was the point in helping this flea anyway? "Elaborate on that, flea." Izaya's smirk widened, making me flinch. "You're only feeling those wretched emotions of sympathy because you're a child. You may have an interest in my life, but trust me, like any other child you'll get bored of the same old toy…" His eyes slowly moved to his file on my desk. "It'll become a simple obsession, then when you're done, you'll cast it aside and think nothing of it."

I sighed, staring at him with half concern. "Fle- Izaya, you-" "No, Shizu-chan, I'll be leaving early today. See you tomorrow." He said simply, a childlike laugh escaping his lips. "That is…" Izaya murmured as he got up, heading for the door. As he reached it, his ghostly pale fingers clutched the door handle. "If I make it till then…" With that, the door shut, and I was left with the wild laugh that echoed in the hallway and the image of his smirk.

Damn it Izaya, don't die.

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><p>Well, there you have it, hope you enjoyed it! I don't know when I'll have the next chapter up, but I hope it's soon. I also hope I feel better...Gah...it's freezing in my house, like utterly freezing..._ Or it could just be me getting sicker...^^ Who knows?<p> 


	4. Chapter 3

Hello my lovely humans! ^^ It was my parents 21st Aniversarry today, so I had time while they were gone to type up this lovely little chapter. Sorry if it's a tad short, I wrote it at school with minor time for a lot of writing. Gah, tired... Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, they inspire me to write! I was watching episode fourteen today, and I love that part where Shizuo is talking to Celty and he says, "Anyone who calls you an asshole is an asshole, but since I already know I'm an asshole, you're an asshole!" Hope you enjoy this~

Anyways, on with the story! ^^

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><p><span>Chapter Three<span>

I lay down on the couch that night, cigarette dangling from my lips. Even after the other clients, that flea was still on my mind. What if he never tells me how it all went down? What if I never learn what's still going on? I clenched my teeth, hissing lightly, biting down on the cancer stick. "Damn it!" I growled, trying to express the tight feeling in my chest. I wasn't worried, no, I couldn't be. Definitely not worried about Izaya, no I would never…

Or would I…?

Sitting up, I ran a hand through my disheveled hair. I tried to persuade myself that the asshole was getting what he deserved, but my damn heart wouldn't let me. Izaya…what are you doing right now? Who's with you? Are you alone…? Are you crying…? I blinked, stopping myself in an instant. Izaya Orihara…crying…? There was no way in hell or God's kingdom that Izaya would ever cry! That flea wasn't even human, but then again neither was I…

Then why…?

Why was it so easy to imagine those crystal tears streaming down his pale cheeks. Tinted by the harsh sobs that wracked his body, a light pink flush. Why was it easy to imagine him curled up on the floor in a dark room, his body shaking? I closed my eyes, imagining this, placing myself into that situation. I had no idea, however, the kind of dream my mind would force me to enter. Into a place in my mind that I never knew about before, a place where my heart stole every thought I had, and held them captive.

"Flea…?" I murmured, staring at his shaking form. He was backed against the wall, his black hair covering his crimson eyes from my view. "Izaya, what-" He backed up even farther as if to warn me not to get near him. "Iza-" "Izaya." A voice echoed from behind me, and I flinched at the roughness in its tone. What…? As the man walked me, I analyzed his form, watching as his black hair fell in the same way Izaya's always did. "Will you stop your wretched sobbing, you damn brat!" The man snapped, grabbing Izaya by his black locks and throwing his head against the wall.

I watched closely, sickened by my own curiosity to watch Izaya be so human. Blood trickled down Izaya's forehead, pooling down around his already crimson colored eyes. "Stop it…please stop it!" Izaya begged, his voice cracking, pleading.

This was wrong…

Izaya…

Izaya would never beg anyone…

This wasn't Izaya…

Izaya would never be this-

I froze when the sound of death's hands reached my ears, the air slowly slipping from my lungs. I felt frozen, trapped in this place watching everything unfold in front of my helpless hands. "Flea…?" The word slipped from my lips, staring at the metallic glint in his father's hands.

Anger…

It flared inside of my chest like a tsunami spreading from a rippling wave. There was nothing I could do here, but scream. Scream until my lungs gave out under my crushing anger. "MURDERER!" I screeched, putting all of the venom I could muster into my cracking voice. As I ran towards the man, his form faded slowly, soon disappearing in front of my pained eyes. I was about to turn, about to look for him, to tear apart that bastard that killed his own son, but a pale hand stopped me.

"Shizu…Chan…" It couldn't be…he couldn't still be alive…

Turning, I stared down at that hand that gripped the edge of my shirt, staining it with that wretched red fluid. "Izaya…" I whispered softly, but he didn't hear me, his eyes distant.

No, not distant.

Gone.

I dropped down onto my knees, sitting in the pool as it continued to expand across the floor, leaving memories that would never fade. "Izaya, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" I whispered, pulling him to me, trying to calm him in his last moments of the life I could have save. I could have done something, I could have kept him alive, but I wasn't strong enough…

For the first time I wasn't strong enough, and in my weakness I realized…

How easily…

Life can be lost…

"It's okay…" Izaya murmured, the bullet wound in his chest continuing to bleed. "It's not okay, this is all my fault!" I didn't move as Izaya lifted his head, his lips finding my ear. "I'm already dead." He whispered, and that's when I saw it. The pain, the turmoil, the hidden agony and aggression. Izaya…is actually human.

His body rested against mine, his still, mine shifting as I breathed, running my fingers through those blood coated locks. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" I whispered, tears building in the corners of my eyes. "Izaya…!"

I awoke with a start, eyes searching the room restlessly. In the heat of the moment, I snatched the blue cell phone from my dresser, scanning my client's numbers, stopping on the informant's number. No, no, no… Placing the cell phone back down, I wiped sweat from my forehead, sighing. "What was that…?" I whispered, rubbing at my tired red eyes. This was stupid! Getting all worked up over nothing, but a little nightmare. His red eyes flashed in my mind, and I gripped my head, nails digging into my scalp.

Izaya was…

Was going to die…

Right under my nose?

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><p>So, yeah...a bit confusing? I hope not! ^^ I adored a Shizaya fanfic I read on here called Playground, you should look it up, it's completed. It brought out a lot of emotion, and was written beautifully to the point where I had to tell everyone about it. I hope you do check it out, it is simply amazing, and it's in my favorites if you want to go to it quickly rather than searching! ^^ Well then, hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I'll see ya next time!<p>

Until then, keep watching DURARARA!


	5. Chapter 4

Well, here's an update. Thank God for breaks right? ^^ lolz, I finally finished this chapter tonight, and decided to update it since I think I've kept you waiting long enough. By the way, if any of you read I'm Not Who I Think I Am, my Death Note fanfiction, I'll be adding an epilouge soon if anyone wants to read it. Anywho, this chapter is longer than I think any of my other chapters in any of my fanfictions. It really continues the plot while keeping some cute fluff there in the end. This story may be bumped to M in later chapters for gore, but I don't think it will. I'd really just like to keep the gore down, so this will most likely stay T.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter, I found it pretty awesome myself. Please, if you have any questions feel free to ask. Also, thank you for all the reviews, they keep me writing! ^^

Anyways, on with the story!

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><p><span>Chapter 4<span>

Morning was always the worst time of my day. Namie always told me that mornings were the start of a new day, but…nothing was new anymore. No hope awaited me beyond that light that shown through the dark curtains covering my window. My eyes stung with dried tears, and as I rubbed at them, the sleepiness started to fade. Never completely though, I was sleep's favorite toy. It used me for its practice, for it's creation of nightmares. Picking and choosing what would pain me the most…

Those were all I've ever had. No dreams, not even as a child. Even then, my mind was filled with images of dolls, lifeless shells of the humans I loved.

The humans I wanted to love me.

Though, I knew in my heart, that they never would.

Getting up, I stumbled, suddenly remembering last night's events. I tugged up my pant leg, the red pajama pants stained in a disgusting brownish-red. The familiar sensation of caked blood met my senses. My eyes widened, and I headed for the bathroom. It was my haven, my safety, my cure for this incurable illness. I sat down on the counter, the sink only a few inches away, but I didn't feel like I wanted to move. Black hair fell in front of my eyes, and I stared down at my clenched hands. I had to stop doing this…I had to stop…

I had to make myself believe that his hands weren't on my body…

I had to make myself believe that he wasn't there, that what I was cutting was truly my legs, not his hands, and yet…the memory plagued me…even though he was gone…

Cleaning the wounds, the water bit at the slashes, but I simply wrapped gauze around the wounds, hissing at the sharp jolts of pain. This was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my dreams. The pain I felt in my own head. No, this type of pain couldn't even touch me. I pulled out my flick blade, coated in dried blood. It made me sick to know that it was my own. I ran it under the sink, feeling my fingers run over the blade, a glam in my eyes at the familiar sensation.

Unlike my humans, my blade loved me.

Its razor edge loved me.

I dried it off, placing it in my jacket pocket as I slipped it on. Heading into my bedroom, I tore off the pajama pants, pulling on my usual jeans. I had to go see Shizu-chan. If I didn't, Namie would hunt me down anyway. Normally, the thought would have made me laugh. Not now though, this was an entirely different situation. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to have him sit there and stare at me, that idiotic pity in his eyes. I didn't need pity. What I needed more than anything was a cure. A cure for this pain I felt in my chest, a cure for these dreams that stalked me, even in daylight.

I just needed a cure for my mind.

And maybe, just maybe…

A cure for my heart as well…

Heading out the door, I stared up at the sky, it's blueness trying to convince me that it was a perfect morning. Well, if it's one thing I've learned living here, there is no such thing as the perfect morning. Shoving my hands deep into my pockets, I allowed the edge of my blade to come out, pricking at my fingers as I moved with each step. It reassured me, convinced me that everything would be okay. I just had to play the part after all.

I just had to pretend around Namie, around everyone, that I was the great Izaya Orihara again. That I was the infamous informant that everyone feared, but…was I really craving their fear. I stared at my humans as I walked, passing by all to familiar faces. I knew everything about all of them, all of their faults, their weaknesses, but…did I really know their happiness. I used to think it was a fake emotion caused by hormones, but…now I'm not so sure anymore. What if I could be happy? What if I could forget him, forget about everything that happened, and just move on?

How beautiful that all sounded, almost like a buffet set out in front of the hungriest man on earth.

Except that I will never reach that point, and the man will never get that food.

"Izaya…?" A voice echoed in my mind, and I tilted my head, staring at the man leaning against the wall in the alleyway. Fear ran through me, and I had to smirk to avoid shaking. "S-sorry, I have to-" A hand grabbed my wrist, and I struggled to pull away, my flick blade just out of reach as it tumbled out of my pocket. "Why haven't you talked to me, huh, Iza? You're not afraid of me are you? Was that night-" I ripped away from him, panic in my eyes, tears slowly building in them. "Leave me the hell alone!" I screeched, grabbing my blade as I ran as fast as I could away from that place. It had taken me a moment to realize that, that place was where it all went wrong. Where everything changed again. I ducked away from my humans, not wanting them to see me as anything weaker than they already believed, and rammed right into something hard.

"Flea?" I blinked, wincing as the tears stung my eyes. "Sh-Shizu-chan?" Shizuo gave me a skeptical look, blinking as he bent down in front of me. I saw the pity there, but a hint of something else was there also. No, it couldn't be…concern? He smiled lightly, grabbing my arm and pulling me up. "Let's get back to my office, we can talk there." I glared at him, but I knew it wasn't as demonic as I hoped it would be. "Damn…you look like a kicked puppy." I growled, staring down at the ground as I followed behind him, heading for the office.

I suppose I had left too early that morning, seeing as I would have gotten to the office building at 8:30am when in actuality, Shizuo didn't start work till 9:00am. Shizuo walked into the building first, holding the door open for my sorry ass. I plopped down in his chair, sighing softly, the tears finally subsiding. Shizuo shut the door lightly, sitting down in his chair, worry evident in his facial features. "So, are you going to tell me what happened, or is it the silent game again today?" He asked politely, though his tone held much annoyance.

Actually, maybe it just annoyed me.

"I just got something in my eyes…" I murmured, staring at him, faking a perfect grin. The knife pricked at my fingers again, and the sensation filled me with even more reassurance. Yes, I was fine. Everything was fine. I wasn't breaking down; there wasn't any reason to. So, what if that man was around again? That was no reason for me to go all soft. I'm turning into a fucking girl. I shook slightly though, still feeling his hand there on my wrist, still imagining it. It burned my skin, making my stomach do circles, butterflies hitting my chest painfully. No, this feeling…

A feeling of overwhelming fear.

A feeling of overwhelming pain.

A feeling of whatever light was left within me fading.

Shizuo's eyes met mine, and he seemed to be lost in his own ideas of what was going on. I just hugged myself tightly, calming my breathing. "I just ran into an old acquaintance is all." His eyes seemed to flash something, anger maybe? "Just who was this person?" "No one." I said quickly, "Remember, Shizu-chan. My work life is completely confidential." He eyes me wearily, his fingers crossing under his chin. "Izaya…tell me. Has your father ever…harmed you in anyway?"

I flinched, and I knew it was noticeable, actually…it was purely obvious. "No." I said sternly, exaggerating my hate of this conversation. "No, he never has." Shizuo looked unmoved, his voice remaining in its low tone. "Does your father own a gun, Izaya?" My eyes widened, memories playing within them. Memories that I would have loved to shut away. Ones that I keep in that box in the back of my mind, the one with the caution tape that says, "Izaya's memories, please do not ever open." Well, Shizu-chan just opened them.

"Yes." I said simply, and it seemed to strike a cord in him that I had answered it at all. "Has he ever used the gun on anyone." More images, more pain rushing into my soul. Yes, he had used a gun before. On my mother, on me, on all the light in my life, but not my sisters. No, he wouldn't dare hurt God's precious gifts. "Yes." I said again, my mind to lost for me to lie. What good would lying to anyway? Shizu-chan already knew, he already knew this from my file. "Has he ever…" His voice cracked slightly as he spoke.

"Used a gun to harm you…?"

My eyes closed, my body shaking slightly. Did he not know what he was doing? Or maybe he did…maybe this whole thing was making him laugh inside. He enjoyed my suffering, he enjoyed the pain I was receiving. "When I was four." I said simply, giving him what he wanted. There was no point anymore. If he wanted to use this against me, go ahead, hurt me. I'm already broken; there is no way to shatter me anymore. His eyes begged for me to continue, my heart begged for me to stop.

"I received a bullet wound to my side." I said simply, "He was aiming for my heart, but he was to drunk to realize that he was way off aim." My voice was lower now, containing something I didn't even know I had ever felt. My voice held a longing, a longing for words that I had never received from telling this story. "My head was another goal of his, but…" Shizuo flinched, and it seemed like he was remembering something, something I would never know about. "The bullet never made it there. Instead, it went through my mother's skull." I still blamed myself for that, if I had only noticed she was there, if I had only noticed that she was moving towards me, I could have saved her.

I could have been the one dead, not my mother.

Shizuo stood up slowly, coming to stand before the chair I sat on. I didn't look up at him, didn't want to move, didn't want to see the pity that was there in his eyes. He pulled me up by my arm, and I flinched, bracing myself for a hit. All I felt though, where strong arms wrapping around my torso, pulling me to that warm chest. It rippled with the movement, showing the intensity of his muscles. This was uncomfortable for him; this was something he didn't want to do. So, why…

Why was he doing it?

"I thought this company had a strict, 'no touch', policy." Shizuo grunted, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Shut up, Flea." I did, but I didn't understand. I didn't understand this man; I didn't understand why he was doing this. "Don't mess with my head, Shizuo." I felt him smile against my head, his chin shifting, and he sighed softly. "I don't think I could mess it up anymore than it already is, you damn flea."

In that moment, I realized just how true his words were.

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><p>Well, there you have it. A sweet ending to the chapter if I say so myself. I hope you all enjoyed it, I should have the next chapter up when I get free time during my classes. (I wrote most of this today after my Science test...come to think of it...I think I may have failed because I was too distracted...naw...well...I hope not~) Anywho, thank you for your sweet reviews, and remember, if you liked it, please let me know.<p>

Oh, I was watching Episode...16...maybe 17 of Durarara today, and I love Erika so much! Her whole, "They're in love!" Part made me so giddy, and the part where Celty is telling Shinra about it, and he's all like, "Well...maybe she's..." And Celt freaks out, "No! No, don't even say it!" Or something like that. It made me all fangirly!

Anyways, until next time!

-Lexi-Chan ^^


	6. Chapter 5

Hello, sorry everyone for the horribly long wait. Sadly, this chapter is pathetic compared to the others, only because I have limited time to write it. I had to take four tests, and write two essays today, so I'm extreamly tired. This was written simply because it furthers the plot a bit, and that I wanted to give you guys something, so that I didn't feel like I was abandoning this story. (Which I'm not going to, it's just that High school is so freaking irritating!) I never imagined that I would fall asleep in half my classes and not have time to write this... _ It's the teacher's voice...it just makes me so sleepy...it's so monotone...*Sigh*, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Anyways, on with the story!

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><p><span>Chapter 5<span>

I didn't know what was going to happen, but what actually went down was completely unexpected. The flea actually broke down; actually let me see just a glimpse of what it was like in that twisted soul. When I moved towards him, I pondered why I was getting close to him in the first place. It was as if my body was moving on its own accord, pulling me along towards the black haired male. Without another thought, I pulled the vulnerable boy to me, wrapping my arms around his skinny frame.

He muttered something about the office's 'no touch' policy, but I just scoffed. "Shut up, Flea." I growled, feeling embarrassed as the rumble actually reached Izaya, making him shift awkwardly. I felt heat run to my cheeks as he sighed, "Don't mess with my head, Shizuo." I almost laughed at that, but settled for simply smiling as I rested my chin atop his black locks. "I don't think I could mess it up anymore than it already is, you damn flea." I moved away from him, away from the cold body that I suddenly wanted to embrace.

What the hell was wrong with me!

It's the flea, damn it!

Get yourself together!

We sat in silence then, accepting it as darkness accepts light. Allowing it to be there, but despising it all the while. Slowly, I moved to speak, but he beat me to it, standing up. "I'll see you tomorrow, Shizu-chan." He said simply, and I sat dumbfounded in my chair as he upped and left without another word. I had to consider what happened here, that if I was him I would have been ready to leave too.

What had made me do such a ridiculous thing?

I hated that flea!

For some reason though, watching him leave left a pang in my heart, throbbing with unknown pain. Sighing, I laid back in my chair, closing my eyes in frustration. "Damn it!" I yelled, hitting my foot on the desk, denting its fine wood, and chipping it till pieces fell onto the floor. "Damn it all…" I didn't know why I was getting so fucking angry, I just couldn't help it! How was I supposed to deal with something I didn't understand!

His voice rang in my head, the sorrowful tone making itself known. "He shot me." Izaya's voice repeated over and over again, just those three simple words taking their toll on my mind. It seemed that even as I walked home, his presence was still there, still following me. Where was his father now? Is Izaya still in pain? How long will this go on? I knew that I was over thinking everything, that this was just the beginning to all of Izaya's problems, but it was this small detail that worried me the most. Obviously, the reason Izaya is so messed up is because of his father. Why else would the flea be so damn insane?

And sadistic…

And so bipolar…

Damn it! Stop thinking about the horrible aspects of the flea! I tried to think of positives as I reached my apartment, creeping in through the door, sighing at the familiar scent of cigarettes. Speaking of that… Reaching back, I pulled out my carton, taking one out and holding it in between my lips as I searched for my lighter. Finding it deep in my pocket, I brought it to the cancer stick, lighting the end just enough to see the smoke practically melt from the edge of the paper. Inhaling deeply, my tense body immediately relaxed.

More calmly now, I thought over today's events. I thought of the way I had treated Izaya in the past, the way I should treat him now. Should I treat him kindly, or would he prefer I kept things going as they always have. Shutting my eyes tightly, I took a long drag, and exhaled slowly. "He pisses me off…" I muttered, reminding me of the first time we met. Was he hurting then too? Was he hurting as much as he is now?

Shit! All these questions are just making it worse. I opened my eyes, thinking of what could ease my mind, and I sighed. Sleep, sleep is what I needed. Heading to the bedroom, I threw myself upon the bed, closing my eyes slowly. That idiot can face the wrath of my thoughts tomorrow, but for today, he just wanted to rest. Curling up under the covers, I found sleep immediately trying to claim me, and I loved the feeling. I loved the feeling of falling asleep while Izaya was still on my mind.

The last question on my mind that night however, was nothing as I wished it would be.

My last question was,

"Is Izaya thinking about me, too?"

The next morning, my eyes fluttered open to the sound of cars honking along the street. I move slowly, not wanting to admit to myself that I was awake as I checked the clock. It's 3:30 in the freakin morning you idiots! Getting up, my anger spiking, I charged to the window, peering out at the commotion. It appeared to be a back up of trafic, and from the looks of it, it went on for at least a couple miles. Rubbing my forehead, I ignored them, heading back to my bed to try and get just a couple more hourse of sleep. It didn't occur to me that I should check the cause of the traffic jam, but if it had, I would have found out a whole lot sooner that...

The damn flea was even sicker than I would have ever imagined.

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><p>Well, there you have it. This will be all until I can get my lazy arse to write more! I swear I never suspected High school to be this difficult, but it completely and utterly is. Thankfully, I have met my Shizuo, well...he reminds me a lot of him! I hope you all had a good Halloween, I had an amazing one~ Went to an apocalypse even! lolz, see ya guys later! X3<p> 


	7. Chapter 6

Okay, so like... SUPER PROUD of this chapter. It's my Thanks Giving break, so I decided to update while I still have time to. Thank you all for sticking with my updates even though they are not perfectly scheduled. I hope you enjoy this chapter, because it is personally one of my most favorite chapters I've ever written. I know there are a few errors, seeing as I just wrote this, and now have to go make lunch. -_- Why does eating have to get in the way of life? It's like... stupid to some degree. Anyways, their relationship advances slightly in this chapter, and it's not that gory since I'm trying to keep this T, but I am a gore author, so I'll try to hold back.

Anyways, on with the story! ^^

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><p><span>Chapter 6<span>

When I awoke next, the sound of sirens echoed around my apartment. Getting up, I didn't bother to see what it was, figuring it was just another gang war. Heading to the shower, I washed away the worries that were still evidently present in my mind. It was nice and relaxing as the water crashed down on my scarred skin. I sighed softly, running my hands through my bleach blonde hair. With a yawn, I got dressed, heading to the door with sleep still shining in my eyes. Heading down the stairs, I froze as I stared out at the line of cop cars, all surrounding the street.

"What the hell?" I shouted, walking at a fast pace to better see what was going on. Stopping just outside a circle of caution tape, my eyes wandered the scene. Bodies. They were everywhere, scattered across the street. Anger coursed through my veins at the thought of such violence. I hated violence; it was the worst thing in this world. Well…that was aside from Izaya. Speaking of Izaya…wouldn't he be here, seeing as he has a creepy fetish for knowing everything. The police were scattered around the scene, analyzing bodies, identifying the mangled remains. One of the bodies on the far side started to move, less bloody than the others, and far more alive. I watched as it sat up, seeming to know exactly where it was.

The police weren't paying attention to it at all, their eyes only on the pale unmoving humans. It stood up slowly, slipping under the caution tape, heading into an unnoticing crowd. Before it disappeared, I already knew whom it had been.

Izaya Orihara.

Something about this didn't add up to me. Looking back out at the bodies, I could see the remnants of yellow, pieces of torn cloth strewed across the ground. Why would Izaya get in a fight with the yellow scarves? Humming, I tried to block out the smell of copper stained flesh, and headed on my way, ignoring the anger that coursed through my body. Why was Izaya on the ground too? Why did the police not notice that he was alive sooner? What the hell was going on?

That damn flea, screwing with everyone's lives!

But what if he was hurt…?

What if they attacked Izaya first?

Would that really justify this bloodshed though?

Ignoring the questions, I headed towards the office, planning on tearing every answer from Izaya when I got there. Walking through the doors, I was greeted by the secretary, her eyes straying to mine, then back to her paper. I shrugged off the cold shoulder; after all she always gave it to me. Once in my office, I laid back in my chair, feeling a migraine coming on. What if Izaya didn't even come today? I scratched that off my mental list of questions, not wanting to stress over anything else. Instead, I occupied myself with making a list of questions to ask Izaya.

If he didn't answer, I would tear him limb from fucking limb. No, that wasn't a good tactic, start over; think it over. If he doesn't want to talk about it, don't force him. Damn that's not good either, what the hell is wrong with me? Rubbing at my temples, I forced myself to clear my mind, to simply stare at the odd paintings that were hung in the small space. I'm going to treat myself later! I deserve a treat after this hell!

I would go to Russia Sushi after work, and relax a bit. Yes, that's what I would do. No Izaya, no violence, no anger, just sushi filled bliss.

I checked the clock as I waited; it was already twelve minutes after the time he was supposed to be here. By twenty minutes after, I figured he wasn't coming at all, but when the door slowly opened and the black haired man stepped in, I was almost relieved. He walked slower than usual, a slight limp on his left side. Sitting down, I saw him wince slightly, those crimson eyes closing just slightly. He was trying to hide it, and if I hadn't been used to analyzing people, seeing as I was a debt collector, I wouldn't have been able to tell he was in any discomfort.

He smiled lightly, but I could see the hidden pain there. "Good morning, Shizu-chan." Izaya said, his crimson eyes staring straight into mine. "Good morning, Flea." I said simply, wondering if it would strike any reaction in him as it usually did. He would either tease me, or giggle in that annoying voice of his.

But no reaction came.

He merely looked at me with disinterest, and it struck a cord in me that I didn't even know I had on the guitar of my mind. It was high pitched, out of tune, and down right irritating. "So…" I started calmly, watching him. "Did you hear about the gang fight this morning?" Izaya's crimson orbs didn't move, didn't show any sign of anything really. "What do you think, Shizu-chan? Remember, I'm an informant." "Oh, yeah…" I murmured, trying to think of where to take this. "Did you go see it yourself?" Ah, there we go. A slight twinge of his eyebrow, just a little bit of a movement showed me everything I needed to know. "No, sadly I was busy with clients all morning." He said softly, no trace of a lie in his voice, but I knew very well that it was. "Well, you should have seen it." I said, speaking in soft tones. "It was a bloody mess, pieces of torn skin scattered everywhere. Looked more like they were trying to dissect each other rather than just fight to the death."

There was something there in his face, some sense of guilt? Remorse? Pain? What was it…? It was driving me crazy! "You wouldn't happen to know what their goal was, would you?" Izaya shifted then, allowing me the privilege of seeing him squirm. What happened to him to make him drop his strong mask? What happened to my Izaya? The Izaya I used to chase across 'Bukuro? Sighing, I watched him, waiting for the answer that I assumed would be a lie.

"Just another fight." Izaya stated, his voice monotone. "Nothing exciting, nothing like the fight between the Dollars and the Yellow Scarves." I smirked, and I could tell that it unsettled him. "So, why exactly did the Yellow Scarves fight against each other? Surely you should know." Izaya looked straight at me, but I could tell his eyes were trying to avert back to his hands. "They were having a simple dominance battle, and it went haywire." "Are you sure they weren't fighting someone else entirely." His eyes narrowed, "What are you insinuating, Shizu-chan."

"Oh, nothing."

No, nothing at all.

Izaya lifted his head to stare at me, judging me. "Are you thinking that I had something to do with a petty gang fight?" I shook my head, sarcasm thick in my voice. "No, of course not." His eyes grew colder, more dangerous. "I wouldn't subject myself to something so low." I moved back in my chair slightly, the coldness in his voice chilling my heart. What was he? What was Izaya really? I didn't respond for a few minutes, pondering what it was that I should say. Izaya looked as though he didn't care if I spoke or not, simply busying himself with the fur on his hoodie, twisting it around with his dainty fingertips.

Suddenly, his eyes seemed to haze over, almost like someone had coated them in a thin layer of plastic wrap. He seemed to sway slightly in his chair, leaning farther to one side. He clutched at his stomach, biting down on his lip as though hiding his pained voice. "Izaya…?" I asked quietly, wanting to rush over and see what it was that was harming him, but I didn't move, couldn't move. I would never admit this to anyone, but at that moment, I was afraid of the flea. Afraid that the flea was acting, that the flea would do to me whatever he had done to those gang members. He didn't move, his eyes growing more distant by the moment, and I forced myself to leave the protection of my chair, and head over to where he sat.

I gripped his hand, and though he struggled, he didn't do much to stop me. Pulling it away from his side, I could see the blood seeping through the jacket, staining the palm of his pale hand. "What the hell, flea?" I growled, unzipping his jacket, seeing that it stained through his black tank. "What happened?" I demanded, knowing full well that he was going to bull shit me, telling me it was nothing but a flesh wound. Pulling up the edge of his tank, I could see the wound clearly now, the torn apart flesh. There was a hole about the size of a quarter in his skin, obviously not self-inflicted.

There was something in it, I could obviously see the broken off tip of a blade sitting there within the bloodied flesh. Biting my lip, I knew the easiest thing was to take him to Shinra, but I didn't know how long it might take to get there with the whole accident downtown. "Hold on flea." I said sternly as I slowly pushed my finger into the wound, trying to get the piece of the knife out in the easiest way I could. His eyes were dilated with pain; body shaking slightly as I tore it out, watching as more blood began to run from the torn flesh. He was biting his sleeve, trying to hold back his pain, I assume.

"You were in the fight, weren't you?" I stated, watching him look at me with glazed eyes. "You were the one they were attacking, not each other." I said simply, making it a statement rather than a question. "You mutilated them? You killed a sixth of the Yellow Scarves you dumb ass! Why didn't you just run away? Don't start fights that end in blood!" He seemed to try and ignore my lecture, but his glazed eyes started filling with tears. "Idiot…" I murmured, and tugged of my vest that Kasuka had bought me, wrapping it around his skinny frame to try and stop the bleeding.

"Honestly…is this how it's going to be from now on Izaya?" I asked simply, but he didn't seem to understand my question as I picked him up, walking out of the office to take him to Shinra's.

I realized then in that moment that I didn't understand my own question.

That I didn't understand what I was feeling as I carried that small body down a one way street.

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><p>There ya go! I hope this holds you over until I have the next chapter up! Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews, they make me extremely happy. Since it's Thanks Giving tomorrow, I would like to say I am thankful for each and every reader and reviewer of this story. You sincerly fill me with joy and inspiration for my many stories on and off site. Thank you all so much, I love you guys.<p>

*Huggles* Erm, well...this is awkward...

Until next time, - Lexi-Chan


	8. Chapter 7

Hey everyone, I finally am back...for real this time. I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to get back on and that this chapter probably is shitty, but hey, I'll do my best to make it better in the chapters to come. This was me getting back into the flow of writing and all that this story was and will be in the future. So, you just get some exposition and a delve into Izaya through his point of view. Hopefully this will hold you over for a little while well I attempt to put my hectic life in order so I have some time to update. C: Anyway, I hope some of you are still following this story and I look forward to hearing from new readers and those of you that somehow managed to stick with this for the past year or so of waiting. My sincere apologies, I hope you enjoy. o

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><p><span>Chapter 7<span>

I should have bolted. The second I ever realized that he knew my past. I should have just laughed it off like usual and headed on my way. Yes, I was supposed to attend our 'meetings', but in all reality I could have gotten away with not going and Namie would never know. Hell, I could have gotten away with anything…but this was different. With all the fucking reasons not to show up, I still found myself answering his questions and following his lead like a decent…dare I say it…patient. Maybe if I'd just kept our relationship to the way it was supposed to be and let him hit me with a few more vending machines, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I could feel the muscles of his back move under me, my body shifting slightly with every step he took. The big oaf thought I had drifted off a while ago. The pain was agonizing, but nothing that I hadn't suffered through before, nothing that…he hadn't already done to me. Shifting my eyes to glance up at the buildings that surrounded us, I prayed to whatever God had the nerve to think he was above me that no one noticed just whom it was that Shizuo was currently carrying.

"Hold on Izaya, just a few more minutes." His voice was shaking, and if I didn't know any better I'd say there was a thick accent of worry. Ha, wasn't that just the comedic relief of my life? Shizuo? Worried about me? Sounded like a bad joke, except there was no forced laughter to follow it. "Shizi…" I murmured, trying to move my arms, but they hung limply over his shoulders due to the hunched angle his back was in. "Izaya?" He seemed surprised, but there was some sort of twinge of relief in the way he spoke. "Hey flea! Once we get to Shinra's, I'm gonna kick your ass into next week." I laughed, but it sounded like more of a strangled wheeze. It was then that I noticed the warm sensation that rested on my side.

Hello again my old friend…

The blood hadn't stopped flowing, despite the brute's attempt at slowing it down. I don't know what I was expecting. Shizuo probably couldn't even put a band-aid on correctly. Fucking protozoan. It was comforting non-the-less, that feeling of wetness that seemed to seep farther and farther under my armor. Then, like it had never haunted me every moment of slumber, the images played across my mind. They were the keys of a long forgotten piano, each one out of tune and thickly crusted with crimson dust.

"What the hell are you doing!?"

There goes the glass, and there goes the light.

"You ungrateful worthless piece of shit."

There goes the book, and there goes the vase.

"It's all your fucking fault."

There I go. A piece of glass on the floor, smashed into little pieces.

Hands filled with shards that could only reflect back at me the very thing I hated.

Blood was there beside me, on me, around me. A friend in the darkness, the only thing that wasn't stained black and filtered with cobalt blue. Blue like the ocean, so thick and endless that I was lost in it forever as a child.

Blue like…

Blue…

The images of bruises drifted into my mind, limbs merging over what was once the terrorist of my past. If it weren't for the haze that started to creep in I would have laughed at the audacity of it all. The world should pay for that, it should drop down like the whore that it is and pay me a fifty right now for the unfair hand I've been dealt. But like the world always has been, so it shall be. Trying to move a bit to get more comfortable, my vision began to fade once more. It started at the edges, the darkness creeping about like an old film before it spread across any light left.

In my eyes…

And in me…

Some part of me hoped we'd never make it to Shinra's. That Shizuo would realize that 'helping' me was a waste of his time. In all reality, it was. Hadn't he spent the last few years of his life chasing me out of this damned city? Hadn't he told me over and over again that he couldn't wait to see me lying lifeless on the pavement? Oh what an image that would be. The great Izaya Orihara, laid out for all to see in the middle of his favorite street in Ikebukuro. Would they mock me? Would people walk by with simple smiles applauding the death they had all prayed would happen? Shizuo…you could be a hero. You could drop me now, lay me out, and present me however you wanted. You could tell everyone that you stabbed me, that you were victorious in this seemingly endless fight. You could finally rest easy knowing you didn't have to chase this 'damn flea' out of your 'Bukuro.

Be a hero…

Let me go…

With the last bit of sight I had I could see us nearing Shinra's building. You're a damned son of a bitch, Shizuo.

I failed again.

I failed to live like I needed to.

I failed to die like I deserved to.

I was going to fail Shizuo for surviving this.

But the worst of it all was that I failed to realize that none of that mattered.

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><p>This was awfully short, and I greatly apologize for that. Hope you enjoyed it, I'll be in touch~ (:<p> 


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